AFTER our Great Christmas Cock Up my wife moved quickly to appoint a Committee of Inquiry, with herself as chairman.
I was called as the main witness.
“Let me get this straight,� she said, shuffling some papers in front of her before looking me straight in the eye. “What you are reporting is the data has been lost?�
She was, of course, referring to our extensive Christmas card list and, in my own estimate, some 47 people were directly involved.
“The loss of data should not have happened,� I replied, “and I apologise to everyone affected.�
There had clearly been a breach of security and one I profoundly regret. All I could say by way of explanation was it was there one minute and gone the next.
“Emergency procedures were immediately put into operation. I acquired,� I said, “47 Happy New Year cards which would suffice in the short term. I take data protection very seriously. In the meantime, I have launched a full-scale inquiry which includes emptying the bin and checking the dog’s basket. Whether it has fallen down the back of a radiator I am not in a position to yet ascertain.�
She frowned, but said she would now like to raise the question of the turkey. This was clearly an operational error, I said, agreeing that the oven, at least, was still where we had left it.
“I was instructed to put the bird in the oven and turn the oven on, wait the requisite length of time and turn the oven off,� I recapped.
“To that extent I was 33% successful, in that I did put the turkey into the oven. That I forgot to turn the necessary dial and, therefore, could not later turn it back again was a question of procedures that must be overhauled if we are to avoid the same mistake in the future.
“The objective was not made clear to me at the time, particularly in the matter of the bird being tender.
“Under certain circumstances raw turkey is edible but I have sincerely apologised to those members of our family who were hungriest. I hoped this would draw a line under the matter.�
She turned then to the vexed issue of the Christmas crackers.
“Clearly,� she said, “we were under-resourced. Six crackers between 12 people had led to complaints of essential equipment shortage from Our Boys. This was nowhere near the official target figure of 12 crackers for 12 people.
I had been made aware they had complained they were expected to “get on with the job� without being provided with the proper tools.�
I agreed major investment on the Christmas cracker front was needed and the item would be top of the agenda at the next financial review.
“I believe it would not be unreasonable to expect not 12 but 15 crackers next year, moving up to 24 by 2012,� I said.
The chairman then brought up what is now referred to as the Christmas Tree Scandal.
“Surely, we have been over this? Is it not time to move on? There are several more pressing matters awaiting my attention,� I said. Not least was the bilateral agreement with my daughter to have a plastic tree in situ by December 10 next at the latest. This would prevent a repeat of the “scrawny, small and dropping long before Christmas Day� affair.
The inquiry concluded with the disappointing news that the Buckley Christmas was still bottom of the Festive League table and that I, inescapably, alas, was not fit for purpose.
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