FOLLOWING a Labour think tank suggestion to scrap Christmas to avoid offending members of other faiths, this column can confirm that the St Valentine’s Day celebration next month will be the last.
Couples wining, dining and smooching in the moonlight are now officially viewed ‘extremely insensitive’ when compared to the plight of confirmed bachelors and spinsters, who cannot be bothered with all that love malarkey.
‘For up to two weeks before the big day they cannot pass a restaurant or look at a box of chocolates without being reminded they are on their own, like it or not,’ said a Home Office spokesman.
Therefore, holding hands on February 14 will be punishable by on-the-spot fines from 2009.
‘We must take full regard of the feelings of other people in the British Isles,’ said the Minister for Bank Holidays, Charles Norrington, in announcing St George’s Day is to be phased out.
‘That St George slays the dragon and the dragon the emblem of Wales is seen as symbolic of a superior English attitude to the Welsh. To avoid causing further offence, from next year we will be marking April 23 with Boy George Day,’ he added.
Figures released this week suggest the Government’s ban on the use of the term ‘May Day’ has been a success. 28% of Romanian immigrants now ‘feel more contented’ in their new country and a further 17% of Yemenis in Tavistock say it has done wonders for their integration and are ‘actively considering’ joining the Townswomen’s Guild or a cricket club.
After discussions at Number 10 between Gordon Brown and Lenny Henry, it was agreed Red Nose Day will continue but, from 2008, with ‘due regard’ to noses of all colours and sizes, though Arab noses may be entirely exempt.
There will also be less emphasis on humour following a petition from the Manic Depressive Society.
But the Government, says the Prime Minister, is standing firm on Remembrance Sunday despite intense lobbying from amnesiac and short-term memory loss pressure groups who say they are constantly embarrassed by observing a silence on a Wednesday afternoon, or sometimes not at all.
One sufferer repeatedly forgets he has started a two minute silence, begins again... and again... and hasn’t spoken for nearly five years.
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Agriculture says it is ‘looking favourably’ upon a plea by vegans to scrap Pancake Day and may report to the House before the Government introduces Profoundly Dull Day on April 2.
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