GORDON Brown has taken to telephoning people at random to show he is staying in touch and re-connecting with the electorate. I took a call.
Hello.
“Hello, may I speak with Mr or Mrs J Buckley, please.�
Mr J Buckley speaking, but I am not buying anything.
“My name is Gordon....�
Of course, it is. How are things in Mumbai? I must say your accent is very good.
“No, you’ve got it wrong, my name really is Gordon...�
Yeah, and I’m Sanjay. So what is it? Loan, windows, credit card, insurance? What?
“Honest, I’m not selling anything.�
You all say that, Rajeev. We get talking, you ask me if I want to save money, I say yes and the next minute I’ve got a new gas supplier and a Marks and Spencer gift voucher.
“My name is not Rajeev. I am Gordon Brown. I just want to talk about politics.�
You are cold-calling about politics? Are you mad? Who rings someone at random about politics?
“I do.�
Funnily enough, our Prime Minister is called Gordon Brown, so you’ve either chosen the name well or someone is taking the mickey out of you Dupinder, old son.
“For the last time, I am not Indian. I am not trying to sell you anything. I am your Prime Minister.�
And I’m your loyal subject Mr Brown, sir. So what’s the scam?
“There’s no scam. I just want to ask you how you think I’m doing?�
Ahh, I get it. Then you convince me how badly informed I am and would I like the New Statesman on a six-month free trial.
“No, nothing like that. What would you say is the most important issue in Britain today? Climate change, inflation, unemployment, rising fuel costs?�
Fern Britton.
“What?�
Instead of dieting she has a gastric band all along. Proper upset my missus.
“But that is of no consequence. What about the EU, education, prisons, terror? Is there nothing you want to ask me?
Well...
“Yes?�
Why do people think Sarah Jessica Parker is good looking? I don’t fancy her at all.
“Don’t bother me with such trifling matters when I have got the difficult long-term decisions for Britain to take.�
But if – if – you’re the Gordon Brown, then you’d know we’ve all given up on you long since and all we’ve got left to worry us is Fern’s tummy.
“Oh. Right. Well, would you be interested in joining the Labour Party then? You don’t part with any money yet...�
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